Just call me Lucy.

Did you ever notice that in the Charlie Brown comic strip, Charlie Brown goes to Lucy to pay for psychiatric advice?

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Lucy doesn't always give the best advice.

I am Lucy.  I am "The doctor" that is "IN", and several people come to me to vent. I love these people. I care for these people. I want them to be content with their circumstances and quality of life.  Problem is I try to solve their problem(s).  I use a lot of energy to try to help them or fix their situation to provide resources or ideas and to encourage them to brainstorm. Truth be told, I can only help people who want to be helped and maybe I should just let them vent while my mental energy is somewhere else. After these marathon sessions, I feel more disgruntled and I feel like they leave thinking, "She doesn't understand.  Her situation is so much better."  That is not helping anyone.

Anyone have suggestions as to how to limit how much time and energy is expended on these efforts?  (Without looking like I don't care, b/c I care, but I cannot help the closeminded.)

What I am loving...about family

Siblings are the people we practice on, the people who teach us about fairness and cooperation and kindness and caring, quite often the hard way. - Pamela Dugdale

Samantha

• Reads to her baby brother now and gives him advise on why its important to read (i.e. "you have to be a good reader to be a good driver")
• After a friendly game of 2 x 2 on the Algood soccer field she says, "Good job playing, AJ".  She is so excited for her first practice Thursday!

Andrew

• LOVES Rufus Wainwright's "Hallelujah".  Sings along and requests to hear it about 6 times a day. (Of course he calls it a King David song.)
• Always has a question which expands my knowledge.  Tonight, "Mommy, where do whales sleep?" and "Are there other nocturnal sea creatures besides sea turtles?"  Then he shares everything he learned with Samantha.

Matthew

• Pats everyone on the back. (Samantha loves it when he does it to her)  I love this stage!
• Belly laughs at everything and anything that comes out of AJ's mouth.

Lord, help me to parent! (Entitlement)

Parenting in the age of entitlement.

Some rights reserved by Stefan Leijon 

Here are some of my thoughts and notes from a talk given by James Schleicher.
Mr. Schleicher presented several characteristics of entitlement and then proposed 'real' solutions or ideas of how to counter the attitude (or hopefully prevent it from happening).  Admittedly, in my family, I can get wrapped up thinking my children exhibit these characteristics. That scares me, but then I remind myself that my children are still young. This is the prime time to implement these 'counter' activities/practices in our home, but some of the characteristics of an 'entitled' kid are unfortunately hard to combat for a 3-6 year old who wants things their way and/or wants it now. Patience and consistency are going to be key!  I also remind myself the most important counter is to love as Jesus loved.
1.  Entitlement is a lack of empathy. It is the inability to rejoice in others' accomplishments; a lack of manners or respect. It is being self-centered.
One of the most consistent ways to counter this is for kids to have a good relationship with a male role model (their dad or an uncle).  Furthermore, Mr. Schleicher stressed the importance of having the kids contribute to management of the family (it's not about chores or allowance; its about contributing to the family- working as a team). Practice delayed gratification (this theme will come up over and over again).


2. Entitled kids are angry; they see parents as stressed out (why work to be like that). These kids see life as hard or unfair.
Counter by letting kids know that it's ok to go through tough times! We as parents need to let our kids struggle- let them work their own problems out. We must show discipline by doing what needs to be done no matter how you feel about it. (I may not want to clean the toilet but I do it.)  Moveover, a known way to counter these characteristics is for kids to have a spiritual component to their upbringing and to eat dinner together.  This reminds me of the old saying, "A family that prays together stays together."
Just the other night I asked the kids to help me out.  Samantha likes to wash bottles (she honestly couldn't do this 6 months ago, but now has the hang of it). AJ was asked to set the table. I was going to empty the dishwasher and make dinner.  AJ refused. So I told him I might have to quit also (just to make a point).  He looked at me funny.  I told him, "If you cannot set the table then I cannot empty the dishwasher and make dinner. So you'll have to make your dinner, give yourself a shower, read to yourself and put yourself to bed." He looked at me and started crying, BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THOSE THINGS. I calmly said, "You are right. You need help with some of those activities, but you can set the table.  How about you do what you can do and I'll do what I can do and we can work together as a team."  It so nice when they get to the age where you can reason.  Problem solved.

3.  Entitled kids can be too driven; trying to keep up with everyone; parents set bad example...too much reading, computer, iPad,ect in front of kids.

Ways to counter this is to get your kids more sleep, and make sure that dads have fun with kids.  We all should stress "I like who you are".  Seems that Dads need to back off daughters and Moms need to back off sons.  TALK less.  Mr. Schleicher said cut the verbiage by 50%.  I still remember thinking as a kid, OK, I got the point the first time.  I can see my kids thinking the same thing when I give them a lecture.  Its so easy to give a daily report when Daddy walks in the door.  This is what went great today.  This is what went bad.  Maybe we should say NO bad news for the first HOUR we get home?

4.  Entitlement looks like a kid who cannot handle a delay in gratification.  The process of getting something is more important than having it.  How may of our kids just want that super special cool toy and then once they get it they never play with it?

The way to counter this is to  make them contribute to their goals (especially material goals) this helps delay gratification, but we can also delay gratification in little ways (non material) and we must follow through.  If you say, "I'll be there in 5 minutes" get there in 5 minutes. If you say, "we'll do it in the morning." Do it in the morning.  This is where I fail sometimes. I realized this when AJ thought tomorrow is a future date that never happens.  I wasn't so good about following through.  Right before bed the request would come.  Can we build this, can we play that...I would say tomorrow.  It wasn't intentional but I would forget I made the promise.  Admittedly it wasn't to delay gratification, but to get him to focus on going to bed, but he won't remind me either and I would just forget.  I don't make those promises now unless I am doing it for a different reason and I am going to follow through.  Tomorrow now translates to in the morning for AJ. 
Most important for all of this is that we strive to model delayed gratification, empathy, and being content.  When we want something, share it with our children and tell them how we are working towards it.  When we don't get our way (at work for example), explain that we are disappointed, but what are we going to do about it.  We can be content even in difficult times. We don't have to be happy all the time, but we have to deal with what we are given and be content with it.  Fr. Stephen always says, "You cannot control everything that happens to you.  You can only control how you respond to it."  We must model good responses and strengthen our spiritual relationship with God.  We must strive to be Godly people.